A Better Me!

Over the past couple of weeks, I have really been picking apart everything that makes me tick!  I don't mean that I am being overly critical of myself or that I am focusing on my flaws.  I simply mean that I have decided I want to be in charge of myself again, and fix some of my weaker areas!  Someone dear to me reminded me that God made me exactly how he wanted.  I am perfect to him, so who am I to change myself!  I have battled with this thought for a while, and I decided that fixing my weak spots and showcasing my strong suits can only show God that I want to maintain what he felt like was perfection!
There is a chance that what I just wrote will come across vain and conceited, but anyone who knows me at all can defend me when I say I am the exact opposite of that!  I do consider myself a humble person, transparent, honest, sometimes a bit loud, but humble! 
Some of the areas that I feel really need to be worked on, are in large part because I am discontent with myself.  I am not content with the kind of mother I am,  my attitude towards being home, my very LARGE shopping problem, but most of all... I am not content with my relationship with God.
In our house, we prioritize our relationships in this order...

God

Spouse
Kids

Everything Else

However, sometimes those lines get blurred, and all of my "weak" areas are affected!  I want to learn to be content with what I have.  We have so much, and truly are blessed, so why am I so discontent???

I believe that it all stems from the fact that my relationship with God is not being put first.  I have been doing a devotion with Abbie each morning, but that is it!  I have not been allowing myself time with God, ALONE.  While I go to church, tithe, and attend several small groups... it is merely a surface relationship.  I need to be much better about getting to know him personally.  Anytime I have sat down and tried to read the bible, I feel pretty... well, stupid!  I don't understand it, and some of it seems completely irrelevant to me!  So, "getting into the Word" like some people say, is truly a struggle for me.  I also need to be better about praying when things are "good" and not just remembering to pray when times are tough.  Finally, I need a constant reminder that I should be thankful, even on a bad day.  I am thankful for the 2 year old who is screaming at me, or the 3 month old who just pooped on my hand!  If I fix my attitude, maybe I can remember to be grateful about everything!

Oh, there is the connection with my attitude!  

My attitude lately can only be described as AWFUL!  I have angry and have begun to resent my chores around the house, my husband's job, and often times... life!  I find myself saying hateful things under my breath when Abbie dumps her applesauce on the floor.  I find myself yelling at Derik when he calls to tell me he is running late from work.  I find myself being overly lazy and just NOT doing the chores around the house.  All of these things are only causing more chaos and anger in our household!  Abbie is upset when I am angry, Derik doesn't like being yelled out, and our house was getting pretty nasty!!  Who was this helping??  I need to focus on the fact that I am incredibly lucky to be home, and my "job" is my house and kids.  They deserve better... they deserve a GREAT mom!

There is the connection with me being a better mom!

Lately I have been overwhelmed with mommy "advice".  Deciding what parenting technique is right for your family is harder than buying a house!  There are so many options, and nothing works the same for 2 people!  I read a blog post about being a Godly Mom and was totally convicted!  It talks about making sure that your children do not own you!  You need to do for God first, and not constantly put your children first.  Putting my kids before anything only teaches them to depend on me for everything, hurts my marriage, and my relationship with God is at a stand still!  I was finding myself dropping everything to play with Abbie.  It is totally okay to play with my kids, and it is beneficial in so many ways!  However, I have to keep in mind that my "job" is my house work, and God has called me to do it.  If I work efficiently and with a happy heart, it will be done and there will be lots of time to play!  One of my biggest flaws is feeling that Abbie and Brady deserve the world.  I am the worse for running errands and bringing home a "surprise" for Abbie!  I manage to justify the purchase, because she didn't ask for it!  She earned it... WHAT!?!?!

Enter my shopping addiction!!!  

What am I teaching her if I bring her something home every time I go somewhere??  I am teaching her that when I leave, I am going to get something for her!  My shopping problem is not because I like to buy things for myself, but that I like to buy things for my kids.  I am finding that the ONLY safe way for me to go into a store is to go in with a LIST.  I am in desperate need for some accountability on this!  I can hold something up and decipher as to if it is a want or a need... but I still buy it!  My kids deserve the best... or so I think!  

I want my kids to know the value of a dollar, and I want them to be gracious, grateful, and humble.  Buying things for them constantly, will never teach any of these virtues! 

And so the project begins!  I am calling this PROJECT ME!  I am setting out to change all aspects of the way I look at each day!  I have a job, a job that God gave me.  He has asked that I raise these kids in a way that glorifies Him.  He has asked that I teach them to love Him, and make sure that He is a part of their lives!  He has given me a wonderful opportunity to be home with them, and I am GRATEFUL!  

 - Jessica