My Prayer...

Since I have spent my evening desperately trying to find anything to take my attention off of the swirling mess of issues going on in our household, I decided to read through blog posts I have written over the last few months.  What I stumbled on, really made me stop and think.  You would think that when you put your foot in your mouth as deep as I have done... that wiggling your toes would tickle your tummy!

The post I found that made me regroup was entitled, A Better Me.
Maybe you read it when I posted it.  I had a lot of messages about that post.  I didn't realize I had so many people keeping up with my blog before that post!  However, I realized tonight that I wrote that blog, and never practiced what I was preaching. I hate that feeling.  The moment, when you realize you are a complete hypocrite!
In this post, I talked about how I wanted to work on changing 4 key elements about myself, and I called this PROJECT ME!  The key elements were pretty basic!

My relationship with God

My attitude

Being a better (happier) mom

& working on a severe shopping issue.

I will say that I have been hard at work on my attitude, and some days I feel like I should get a medal!  However those days are few, and completely shadowed by the days where I fear if the neighbors hear me yelling they may call Child Services on me...

I had a revelation before I wrote that blog, when I realized that all of my problems were stemming from a lack of a personal relationship with God.  After writing this blog I began reading a book that I was loaned called "My First 30 Quiet Times".  I got to the 3rd Quiet Time reading, and then never seemed to find time for Quiet Time.  I was hard at work on my attitude.  Being gracious, grateful, and humble, and then I just sort of fell back into the same routine.  While I sometimes manage to stop myself from "blowing", I still have many moments that I am 100% embarrassed of.  The shopping addiction was really under control when I was in charge of the bills and check book!  When you are aware of everything financial, you tend to spend a lot less!  However, the stress of the finances became too much for me, and I asked Derik to take it back over.  The first paycheck we worked off of the Envelope System.  The system worked, but I used all of the money in the envelopes and I didn't like that feeling!  So, I found a loop hole!  I suggested that we use an App on my phone that simulated envelopes, and it is a LOT easier to spend more money than allotted when you don't have cold hard cash!

When all of these foundation blocks started to crumble, my system kind of broke down.  Everything was "just fine" though!  We were all healthy, we weren't broke, and we didn't NEED God!  We were just fine with him being there!  

ENTER July 7th...

When we took the NIGHTMARE of a road trip which you can read about here, our "perfect" little scenario began to fall apart.  Sadly, I didn't realize until tonight, that what was playing out before me... wasn't a horror movie brought onto me and my family.  We hadn't done anything that we were being punished for.  God doesn't hate us, and it isn't that he won't save us from this misery.  He is in fact simply trying to remind me that I do NEED God.  He doesn't appreciate it when I neglect him, and he doesn't like it when I only call on him in a time of need.  Prayer for him to "fix" this horrible situation isn't going to be answered.  He wants ME, all of me.  He doesn't want me to pray for things this week... and move on when they get better.  He wants me to worship him always.  

As a stay-at-home mom... I should be able to find an hour every day to spend with him.  The hour is there... buried amongst all of the time I choose to call "me time"!  Instead of sitting on the couch VEGGING while the kids are napping... I could be spending the time with him.  I could be cleaning the house and glorifying God through what he has called me to do.  However, I don't.  I wish that my family wasn't suffering for my lack of responsibility, but I fear they are.  Maybe that was part of the plan.  It has broken me in a way I would never wish for anyone to see my children hurting, and I can do nothing for them.  Perhaps, he chose this method to make me realize that I need to be accountable, and live for him.  After all, I am ultimately setting an example for my kids.  If I am not spending time with God now, when will they learn to do the same?  

I have decided that from this point further, if I am to adhere to ANYTHING... I need an organized schedule!  If you know me AT ALL... you know that organization, and schedules are 2 of my favorite things!  So, even though I am a Stay-At-Home mom, I will schedule my day as if I have a job!  I will get up at the same time every day, so that I can find time to spend with God.  I will be consistent with my house work, and with the preschool lessons that I love teaching Abbie.  I will be more involved with my children and be the mom that they need me to be.  I will be more conscious about the finances and less concerned about buying what we don't have.  Above all... I will love God, my husband, and my kids.  

I hate that this epiphany came so late in the day!  It is now midnight, and since I will likely be awake with a sweet little boy who has a horrible ear infection most of the night, ALONE, because my husband was Hand Foot & Mouth (that he contracted from our daughter), therefore can't touch Brady... I am off to bed!

If you know me well, and love me at all... I am hoping that you will hold me accountable to this!  Ask me how my day is going, and if I have been adhering to my schedule.  I will create the schedule tomorrow... AFTER I spend time with God!

"God, please heal my family.  I have made a lot of mistakes, and I hate that they have suffered because of them.  I need you.  I can't do this alone.  Heal their little bodies.  Give me the strength and patience I need to take care of them.  Be with Derik, and heal him too.  His job allows me to stay home, and taking time off is hard for him.  Thank you for him, thank you for his job.  Thank you for today, and thank you for helping me see what you have been working so hard to show me this week.  Forgive me for my sins...
In your Name... Amen. "

 - Jessica