Most of you know I have been completely consumed by what is going on with my sweet baby. I am sad, I am stressed, and I am terrified of actually learning the answers. In 4 days, we will know what is going on, and I am not sure that I am ready for what the neurologist is going to tell us.
I keep battling with my fear. I am afraid, but at the same time... I am trying to trust God. I was told once that fear is present because of Satan, and I am beginning to believe that. Saying that I am afraid, and saying that I have "Let Go & Let God" is a huge contradiction. I guess in reality, that is what I am! I am one gigantic, walking, mess of a contradiction. When I meet our maker, if I am allowed to ask the Almighty a question, I think it will be... "Why did you not eliminate Satan? Without his present, evil in all forms would be non existent."
I haven't actually voiced my fears. I have danced around the actually words when someone asks me "What is it that you are afraid of?". No mother ever wants to see their child suffering any type of setback, and that is my greatest fear. I feel guilty that the issues in my pregnancy could have caused potential life long issues for Brady. In pregnancy, I am the one who is growing and protecting the baby, and I couldn't even do that right. Now he is here, and we thought we had knocked it out of the park by avoiding the NICU! Now I am beginning to feel like I denied him some extra care. Maybe if I hadn't been so pushy about not wanting him to go unless it was ABSOLUTELY vital, he would have gotten a better chance. He failed his hearing screen at birth, and while he passed a month later... I am not sure that it was 100% accurate. I was the only one at the appointment, and I was so afraid that failing it would mean lots of things that I didn't want to deal with. She performed the test at least 25 times. I nursed him, changed him, and he went back to sleep. Finally, even though he was buried in his car sear, she said he passed. All I was looking for was a green light to pretend like all of our problems were over. There have been so many red flags in the last 9 months, and I am still looking only for my green light.
What happens if the results of the MRI show neurological issues. What if the nystagmus is caused by a mass in his brain? What happens if he truly has issues with mental development as well as physical development? What happens if those issues, set him back so far that he can never catch up??
The truth is... I am terrified about what this week holds for us. My heart breaks and bleeds all over every time I see one of my friend's children of Brady's age hit another huge milestone. Their babies are crawling, walking, talking, clapping... and mine has reached none of these. I remember feeling like such a successful mom when Abbie achieved said milestones. Perhaps, that is why I am feeling like a failure at it now. I only want the best for my children, and as a mom... knowing there is nothing I can do to fix it... makes me sick.
- Jessica
This is for my sweet boy...
You arrived very early, it was the middle of the night.
The moment I held you, it was love at first sight.
I didn't know how I would love a another,
But I love your sister, and I love her brother.
You were so tiny, my little tator tot,
And today, well, tiny you are certainly not!
Growing so fast, the months have blown by.
My baby is growing into such a sweet guy.
My prayer is that God spares you from any pain,
And that these issues are something, someone can explain.
I love you so much, you will never even know.
So, I have to Let God, and Let Go...
I love you Brayden... Mom
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