Let Go & Let God

The past few weeks have been a type of stressful that I have never experienced before.  For some unexplainable reason, God gave me 2 incredible children that I get to love and raise.  Even though I call them mine, I know they actually belong to God.  I just get to borrow them for a little while!  This concept has been one that I seem to not forget, but overlook, often.  I seem to forget that the whole life is already mapped out!  God hasn't just mapped out my life either, he has mapped out the life of each of my children.

For those of you who were a part of my pregnancy with Brady, you know it was a bit bumpy!!  For those of you who weren't witnesses to it, I'll give you the short and sweet version!

At 10 weeks pregnant, I thought we were having a miscarriage.

We headed home from our summer beach vacation early to learn

that everything with the baby was fine, but there was a separation 

in my placenta.  No big deal, it would heal itself, but bleeding is

a side effect, so dont stress!  We didn't hear of another issue until

we went to our gender determination ultrasound!  We were thrilled

to learn that we were having a boy (well Derik was, I wanted a girl!!)

and then we were hit with a bombshell.  We were told that Brady 

had "Echogenic Bowel & Ascites".  BEWARE, do not google either

of those terms!  Remember, they only put the bad stuff on the internet!

So, basically there were many many things that could have caused this
"glowing" bowel and unknown fluid surrounding it.  None of which

are conditions that you want to hear at an ultrasound.  We left terrified,

and at that point, me wanting a girl was the furthest thing from my mind.

I wanted a healthy baby boy.  We worried ourselves sick for 4 weeks

when we had our follow up ultrasound with another doctor!  He wasn't

concerned at all.  He said that the bleeding which occurred at the 

beginning of the pregnancy is what more than likely had caused this

condition.  After 3 false labor trips to the hospital, and 10 hours of labor

on the 4th trip... Brady was born!  Emergency C-Section 5 weeks early

and he was 6lb 10oz!!  This means that in spite of the worrying, 

stressing, and fear... GOD GOT BRADY HERE SAFE & SOUND!
...

Holding Brady for the first time, I just couldn't believe that a baby which was 5 weeks early and was sure to spend at least a few days in the NICU could be this healthy!  God has control.  So, why do I keep forgetting this detail??  Brady is just a few days away from 8 months old.  He is not sitting up yet, or even close to sitting up.  While the other kids his age are learning to crawl, Brady is content laying in his bouncy seat.  I never thought that at 8 months old I would still have a swing sitting in my living room.  However, that is where we are!  He has been diagnosed with a condition called "Nystagmus" which may or may not affect him for the rest of his life, but again... that is where we are!  He has picked up a "habit" in which he "snake dances" or does a great Stevie Wonder impression!  His eyes look up to the ceiling in a way that usually makes most people a little worried, but that is where we are.  The truth is... I can take Brady to as many specialists, and run as many tests on him as I want too... But God has already mapped out his future.  So, why stress so much?  If the rest of his life has already been written, what will crying fix?  What will stressing about it fix?  What will worrying about it fix?  NOTHING...

In fact all it does is give me a headache that has lasted for days, a stomach ache that wont go away, and a 2.5 year old who had fed off of my negative energy so much that she regressed in potty training.

There are a lot of things that could be wrong with Brady.  There are a lot of things that this could be.  There is a chance that it could be fixed.  But I will love that little boy for the rest of my life no matter what is going on, and so will God.  That is all that matters.  

So, I am writing this blog post as more of a vent.  I needed to get this off of my chest.  I needed to SHED MY STRESS!  I am vowing to Let Go & Let God.  Sometimes I am sure that will be harder than others, but the infectious smile of the sweet little boy that God has let me borrow, will make any day better!!!

 - Jessica