Dreams

When you first learn you are pregnant, you are flooded with a million emotions and thoughts of the future.  You dream of the first time you hold your newborn. You dream of placing them in their crib for the first time in the nursery that you designed with love. You dream of sweet midnight rockings, and precious games of peekaboo.  You dream of the first time they will say Ma Ma, and the first time they will take a step.  My favorite dream was picturing my baby saying "I love you" in some sweet baby version of English. 

You do not usually think of the bad stuff, until after they are born.  Your innate sense of protection kicks in and you begin to worry about them, and guard their little lives with your own.  You worry about them rolling over in their crib, even though they won't be able to roll over for months.  You worry about putting them in the car for the first trip out, even though the car seat was built for their safety.  You worry about when they will crawl, walk, and talk, and you begin comparing their milestones to others.  No matter how hard you try, you start wondering why your baby isn't crawling when your best friend's baby did a month earlier.  Eventually you learn to lay back and just let your child go at their own speed, and usually they do!  You realize that doing all this worrying really doesn't protect your baby, and you can just let them be babies!

But what happens when the gap in their development compared to your friend's baby never closes.  What happens when you realize that something might actually be wrong.  What happens when you talk to a doctor and they begin to show concern as well.  What happens when you refer you for testing, and the test results show real problems.  What happens when you realize your child is special needs?

NOTHING.

Life goes on.  Things are different, and you begin to make changes, but life still goes on.  Comparing your child to others may now make you sad instead of hopeful, but life still goes on.  Family and friends may or may not understand your situation, but life goes on.  

Finding out that Brady has a special brain condition may have given us "answers" but it also gave us a lot of questions.  What will life be like for him?  For me?  What will his limits be?  Will he ever understand?  Will he walk?  Will he go to school?  Will he drive?  Will I ever see him get married?  What do I do from here?  How can I make Abbie understand?  

The worst part of having all of these new questions is that there is no answers.  There are a lot of scary maybes and possibilities.  I have no clue what to expect for my son, but I know that it is my job to support him and encourage him the best way I know how.  The love I have for my kids is one that you can't understand until you have your own.  Feeling helpless and unable to do anything to make something okay for the child that you love more than life... hurts in a way that I can't describe.  I still have big dreams and hopes for Brady, but they have changed significantly since I learned I was pregnant.  

I no longer dream of seeing my son play basketball.

I dream of the day my son takes his first step.

I no longer dream of the day Brady goes to Kindergarten.

I dream of the day Brady points at the sky and tells me it is blue.

I no longer dream of the day Brady marries his bride.

I dream of the day Brady tells me he loves me.

I have to focus on the now.  My dreams will change as he grows up, and most importantly I will NEVER stop believing in him.  He is such an amazing little boy, and he has gifts the world will be blessed by.  I am so thankful for every day that I get with him, and I am thankful for everyone who encourages our family, supports, our family, and loves my children!  

I feel like my blogs are becoming redundant.  If I am writing the same thing over and over, I am sorry.  I feel better when I can pour my heart out into my writing, and feel free.  A songwriter writes songs about things they are experiencing in their lives, and I guess my blog is the same.  

One day at a time...

 - Jessica