Strong Enough

I was told about this song by my best friend.  The next day, I was reminded of this song by a family member.  If you haven't heard it yet... it's called "Strong Enough" by Matthew West.

You must
You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through

Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us

That is just the first verse and chorus, but I like the words to the entire song.  The last month has been a downhill run straight into a tree for me.  One bad day after another, and suddenly my life seems to have crumbled around me.  I don't consider myself a pessimist, I prefer to call myself a realist.  I would prefer not to get my hopes up about something and be let down.  So, I focus on the reality of each situation.  I have been going through 2 very tough situations over the last few weeks... and the reality is... things will never be the same.  For someone who hates change, that isn't something exciting.

Most of my blog readers are aware of the issues going on with Brady.  I have been an open book with most everything there.  Information, my emotions, and updates on progress have been written and shared.  However, the other heartbreak in my life is not one I have talked much about.  I think writing about it, might make me cope with it a little better.  

Most of my life my mom and I didn't get along.  We didn't just "butt heads", we ran into each other at full speed and split heads!  Growing up, I was what one might call... independent!  I wasn't fond of being told what to do.  My mother was a frequent order giver in my life, and I rebelled as often as possible.  It wasn't really until I got pregnant that things really changed.  Getting pregnant will make just about anyone grow up.  I did some soul searching and found that I didn't like the person that would be Abbie's mom.  While I was far from perfect, I at least made some personality and character upgrades.  One of these upgrades was my respect for my mom.  I think on the brink of becoming a mom, you tend to find a new respect for yours.  When I ended up on bed rest at 32 weeks pregnant, my mom was there for me.  She came over after work EVERY day and did whatever needed to be done.  Laundry, cleaning, made dinner, and we did a lot of talking.  I went into labor 4 times total, and she was at the hospital each time.  In fact, I believe she drove me there each time!  She held my hand through long nights of hard labor, and kept me calm.  When Abbie arrived, mom stayed with us for a week.  Helping out and making it so much easier for me to recover from my surgery!

I developed the relationship with her that I had always wanted... a friend.  While being friends with your mom can cause some arguments (especially when you are raising your first child) we had a good relationship.  Things changed slightly when I moved to Richmond, VA, over a year ago.  She was sad to see us leave, but quickly began visiting as often as possible.  She was the only family member at the hospital when Brady was born.  She happened to be visiting for the weekend, and I went into labor a few hours before she arrived.  She held him for a bit, and headed to the house to be with Abbie.  Again, she stayed for a week, and provided more assistance than I can ever thank her for.  When she went home... everything changed.

She and my stepdad, Scott, filed Separation Papers in March.  She met someone while taking a trip to Israel and a relationship began.  I didn't meet Ken until September.  We were visiting Greensboro for a family wedding and it just so happened to be the weekend of my mom's birthday.  We were celebrating 50 years of mom, but she was also celebrating her new engagement.  It wasn't long before there was a date set, and the news of her moving to Utah shattered my world.  In the midst of dealing with everything going on with Brady... I didn't know what to do with all of it.  Her last day at work was Friday, and her moving truck is now packed.  She will turn her apartment keys in tomorrow morning, and head to Utah.  

It feels like a death.  

While I like Ken, and am glad that my mom and he are happy... I feel like I am losing something I missed out on most of my life.  I will see her a few times a year, but nothing like before.  I have made every attempt at "being an adult" that I can, but each time I talk about it, I cry.  Between crying over Brady and my mom... I believe I am all crying out for 2012!  Thankfully the year is drawing to a close!  As Thanksgiving approaches, I am trying to be only grateful, and not focus on the negative... but my heart is sad.  

I have a long history dealing with depression.  Clinical & Post Partum depression darken my past.  If you have ever suffered from depression, or known someone who has... you know how evil it is.  It sucks you in like a black hole, and you beg for it to spit you out.  I am fighting it with every bone in my body.  Matthew West sings "You must think I'm strong, to give me what I'm going through"... and I guess God thinks I am a soldier!  I pray that he gives me the strength to get through all of this.  I know I can get through it, and come out the other side stronger than ever, but it takes time.  

Please pray for my mom and Ken as they began their drive across the country tomorrow, and start their own journey together.  I wish them the best.  Please keep me in your prayers as well.  Fighting depression takes an army of prayer warriors, and I appreciate everyone praying for me...

 - Jessica