To Lose A Baby...

This morning I was reading a blog written by a friend of a friend on miscarriage etiquette.  While reading it, I thought this is "common sense", but it occurred to me that it really isn't.  I realized that even though I had experienced a loss, I still have made some of the mistakes talked about in this blog.  Chances are that even if you haven't experienced a miscarriage yourself, you have known someone who has.  It is a loss like no other.  There is no making it better.  If it is your loss, you most likely dealt with it in your own way, and in your own time.  If it was someone else's loss, more than likely you were at a loss yourself!  A loss of words.  When a friend or family member experiences a miscarriage, as a general rule of thumb, we don't know what to say!  So, we open our mouths and insert our feet!  When you don't know what to say, it is probably best NOT to say anything!
From experience, I didn't really want to talk at all.  We experienced a miscarriage before we got pregnant with Abbie.  The miscarriage taught us a few things.  1) Even though we thought we weren't ready to have a baby, we were.  Losing the baby showed us that we were ready to be parents.  2) It is possible to be completely in love with something so early on.  I lost the baby at 8 weeks.  It didn't matter how early in the pregnancy it was, I had already fallen in love with my unborn child, and was excited about being a mommy.
We had already picked names for the baby!  We had a boy and a girl name, Caleb & Emma.  We were in love with that baby.
With that being said, there was NOTHING and I mean NOTHING that anyone could say to make it better.  It amazed me when people would call and say things like "It's just God's plan."  I didn't care what his plan was at the time, I simply wanted to grieve.  I can remember sitting on the couch with all of the blinds closed, staring at the cable box, and watching the clock change.  I stared at the box for over 2 hours.  I didn't make a single phone call, however my phone exploded.  When I finally was able to answer and talk, you could tell that people didn't know what to say.  However, they said the things that no one going through a loss like this wants to hear.  I did have one phone call from someone that was pretty perfect.  My pastor called me, he is so wonderful.  Pastor Don from Westover Church in Greensboro, NC, had married Derik and I, and we love him dearly.  He called and said this "Jessica, I am so sorry for your loss.  I know how hard this is on you, and I want to pray for you.  (Then he prayed.)".  He prayed for God to give me peace, and for God to take care of the little one that I had lost.  It was the phone call that snapped me out of my silent depression.  On my way to work the next day, where I taught 2 year olds, I had to call out.  I couldn't bear the thought of spending the day with kids, after losing my own.  That was really the worst of it, and after, I dealt with it in my own way.  I had many people, especially parents of kids that I taught, say even weeks later "I heard you were having a baby", and I would have to discuss it all over again.
Eventually the pain stopped being so present.  It still makes me sad, but I am grateful for Abigail & Brayden.  I am not sure how things would have happened if I had not lost that baby.  I most likely wouldn't have the 2 wonderful children that God blessed me with.  Maybe that is my own personal way of accepting the loss.  Everyone has there own recipe for dealing with a loss.  Unfortunately, I know many people who have experienced this loss and pain as well.  Most have all dealt with it differently.
At 10 weeks pregnant with Brady, I was sure we were having another miscarriage.  We left our vacation early and headed to our doctor.  The ultrasound showed that Brady was fine, and we had a simple issue that seemed for the most part to fix itself.  However, in the 5 hour drive to the doctor, I experienced the same empty depression all over again.  If you know someone who has had multiple losses, it never gets easier.  Do not assume that just because they have experienced it before that they are okay, and numb to the pain.

For those of you who have lost a baby, I am truly sorry for your loss.  If I said something inappropriate to you, I apologize.  I know how hard it is to lose a baby, and I wouldn't wish that pain on an enemy.
The blog I read this morning, is a GREAT read for miscarriage etiquette!  Click HERE to read it.  Maybe it will help when you are at a lose of words in the future!  I have a box of some of the sweet cards I received during that tough time.  I will say "Be Sorry from a Distance" is actually what I wanted! 

 -Jessica

In honor of the little one we lost...
Emma Caleb January 2009
"To think when your little eyes opened, you saw the face of Jesus."